Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
