There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
