and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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