how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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