I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
