Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
