I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
