9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
we're making bets on your personal life
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
