The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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