I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
