if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
