If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
