dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize