when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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