I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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