Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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