And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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