I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
