and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
