No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
