it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
