I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
