just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
