My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
