I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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