In the future we'll all be gay
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize