so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
