It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
So many bounce houses so little time
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
