i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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