end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize