Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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