I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
