just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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