Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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