Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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