she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize