im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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