im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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