Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
