I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
