you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
