Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I think my vagina is haunted
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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