2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
