its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
