i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Randomize
