Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
