he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize