Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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