I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
