Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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