You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
