funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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