I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize