she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
