I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I need a beard to bite.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
