she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
