I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
