Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
