hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
