i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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